Guest Rambler: What's In A Name?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Guest Rambler: Heather Schmidt Maddox.
Relationship to Aimee: College hall mate and eventually roommate for 3 years at Western.
Occupation: Real Estate Agent. Check out her real estate blog. She is your lady if you are selling or buying in the Seattle area.
Notes from Aimee: So the wonderfully expressed writings below stem from many conversations Heather and I have had about this particular subject. I went through my own personal grieving around the loss of my identity and I am sure many of you will be able to relate also. Enjoy.
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What's In A Name?
What's In A Name?
What’s in a name? Well… actually… everything. This past summer I got married and I had the “privilege” of “taking” my husband’s last name as my own. Now, I do understand that I had the choice of whether or not to take his name, or even to hyphenate. But that is another essay entirely on why I decided to replace the name I’ve had for the past 28 years of my life, with his. This essay is purely about the loss of a name, and in many ways – an identity.Let me start out with a little bit of background. I grew up in Renton (yeah, yeah… I know) with a younger sister in a very normal, middle class family. My parents are still married, and have lived in the same house for 32 years. We have many friends, neighbors, family members, former classmates and teammates, etc. that know our family. I like going to Renton because no matter where we go, we usually run into someone we know and that knows us, or at least knows our name.
I was born Heather Joelle Schmidt. To all of those friends, neighbors, family members, and former classmates and teammates Heather Schmidt is Joe and Liz’s daughter, Hillary’s sister, the girl in their old photos, yearbooks and in their memories. I also know who Heather Schmidt is. Heather Schmidt won the spelling bee in 3rd grade, Heather Schmidt made the All Star team in 7th grade Little League, Heather Schmidt was the 1998 LHS Junior Class President, and Heather Schmidt went to Western Washington University. A few guys dated Heather Schmidt over the years, people were paired with her for class projects, Aimee White (another name lost) was her college roommate for awhile, and she spent 28 years figuring out who she was.
And one day that changes. That girl that won the awards and that people roomed with in college, dated, and did school projects with no longer exists – try to find her? She doesn’t have a Social Security number, or have a state ID, or an address or even medical records - she’s gone.
Now… I am Heather Maddox. Who? Heather Maddox – you know, formerly Schmidt? Remember her?
Of all the last names to get, Maddox is a good one. I like my new name, I like the way it sounds, and I don’t mind signing my new name either, it has a good flow. But that’s not the point. The point is, I don’t know Heather Maddox and no one else does either. If I somehow have a tie to a stranger through my parents or sister, we’ll never know because if I introduce myself now, they’ll never say – “Hey, are you related to Joe Schmidt?” When I call someone on the phone and say, “Hi, this is Heather Maddox” it means nothing. I always have to end up saying, “Heather Schmidt Maddox”, and then they say, “Oh hi!” Or if a friend of mine is telling someone else a story and they say, “I was with Heather Maddox and we…” the other person could have known me for years but their mind will draw a blank. Because Heather Maddox is NO ONE.
I need proper closure with Heather Schmidt. I know who she is, she’s been good to me over the years and I just ditched her for a guy. Now I have to get to know Heather Maddox – she just sounds like a different person, almost too cool for me.
I don’t think men will ever understand… forgive us if we need to grieve a little for our “old name”. It’s hard to walk away from something that’s stuck by your side for 28 years.
So this is my closure – goodbye Heather Schmidt, thanks for everything.
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Thanks, Heather! Great post. What was it like giving up your last name if/when you got married? Share your love in the comments. It is your blogging duty when I have guest ramblers.
9 Comments:
So true.
Although I was very excited to embrace Jones, still you are right "she doesn't have a SS# etc...."
Weird. But I will always be a White, and a Jones now.
I loved the "Heather Maddox -- she just sounds like a different person, almost too cool for me." :)
Good Post! How fun to make it on the A-list of Aimee's guest ramblers!
Osusky used to be such a conversation-starter. "Wow, where's that name from?" "Oh, were you born there?" "Really, my great-grandmother is from Czechoslovakia." or "I once visited Prague." I miss my name because it was a tie to my culture. I can't really complain with Croasdale though. I just feel a little bit less Slovak.
The transition from Bench to Fallahi has not been easy, in fact I haven't even changed any of my IDs or anything yet because it's just too hard. My husband's name is Persian (his father is Iranian). We have been married 6 months now, and I just don't know if I can ever really take on the name. It's such a big step to leave the name behind that I have known for 28 yrs, especially for such a foreign name! I totally hear you on this post!
Although it was never a tough decision for me to take on my husbands name, I did have some feelings of remorse when I switched over. I switched over everything quickly, like ripping a band-aid off as too not dwell on it too much. But as I wrote my new name for my new social security card, realizing that my old last name has dissapeared forever, it was emotional. I almost ended up with two middle names at that moment. I am ok now. It has been nice to start a fresh identity and still have the memories from the past.
i think i long for my old last name more now than i did four years ago as a newlywed. it was kind of exciting to make the switch back then. now, although i feel comfortable and like the name hadley, i kind of wish i had kept van orman. i did make it my middle name, but i find myself using "vanorman hadley" more and more.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't change. I've never once regretted not changing my last name. I remember sitting there on the eve of our wedding. I looked at Ryan and said, "Oh my gosh! Do you want me to change my name??? We've never talked about it!" My decision to marry him was confirmed when his response was, "Of course not. I never brought it up because I never thought you should."
I am slowly starting to know who Aimee Heffernan is but it has taken over 2 years. Sometimes I still have times when people ask me what my name is and I will say Aimee White. What?! Its been 2 years and still it slips out sometimes.
At my 10 year reunion or when I see friends from the past and they say "Aimee White?!" I get a smile on my face because yes, I am Aimee White and I remember being her. She isn't forgotten. Weird, I know.
Aimee White is not dead just like how Eva Osusky, Heather Schmidt, Brittany Bench, and Lisa Van Orman are all still alive within us - she just becomes a new person.
And slowly, I am starting to like who Aimee Heffernan is becoming too.
Oh Boy....Heather, first of all this blog is too cute for words and by all means you are cool enough, smart enough and by golly people like you to have Maddox as your last name.
It took me 2 years and 7 months to finalize my last name to Dunn. I just got my drivers license changed last month. But the exciting part is i can't wait to hear when you blog about who Heather Maddox is!
...please where can I buy a unicorn?
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