"The Third Shift" Struggle

I am going to get a little vulnerable and emotionally raw (and a bit long-winded) as I raise an issue the has been on my mind the last couple of weeks. I am in a gender perspectives class this quarter in my graduate program and we have had some amazing discussions in class that has kept me thinking hours and days after the class is over. These thoughts have led into to heated discussion with my sisters about gender socialization, deeper observations about the equality of men and women, and emotional personal reflection as I think about how I have been effected by gender.

Our assigned readings this past week really moved me and got me all emotional about the girls in the world. We read Reviving Ophelia which a therapist wrote about her experience with adolescent girls. She found that they are confident, young girls with hopes and dreams and then they hit 11-12 years old and trade their true selves for a false self based on what they think other people (particularly boys) want them to be. This usually leads to low self-esteem, destructive behaviors, early sexualization, and higher cases of drug and alcohol abuse. Sad, right? It made me want to give all the 11-12 year old girls a big shot of self-love...and truthfully, myself too. Unfortunately, I saw a bit of myself in these girls even though I know better.

We also read a chapter from Bridging Separate Gender Worlds. If any of you have taken a sociology class or are at all interested in gender role education you have heard the term "The Second Shift" or "The Double Shift" that career women have to deal with once they leave work and come home to do the work of the house. Well, this book addressed "The Third Shift" (as if the 1st and 2nd weren't enough!) talking about the pressure women have to live into beauty expectations that society place on them to feel valued as an individual. Women spend a significantly more amount of time thinking, worrying, daydreaming and fantasizing about clothes, hair, skin, makeup and what have you than men do. Beauty gets a whole new shift for women in this century!

This is where the emotion and vulnerability comes in for me. I was raised by parents that made me believe that I was beautiful inside and out. They raised all of their children based on being an individual rather than being a specific gender. I truly felt that my parents tried to fight against the social/media messages that we are constantly bombarded with and sang songs to me that provided message that I am ok being just who I am. Songs like this that talk about liking what you look like and not buying into having to change to be happy with ourselves. I was spoiled with their love. Because of them, for the most part, I am a happy, well-adjusted person that is confident in who I am...But why do I have moments in my life where I don't believe this about myself? For example, this morning I wake up in a fine mood. Check my email, look at some blogs, do some Taebo, take a shower.... and here is when it starts.... Here are the messages I begin to think:

• Don't peak at my naked self in the mirror or it will just remind me what my butt truly looks like... why would my husband even want to see me naked? I can't even look at myself.
  
• Why must all my pants eventually start to wear where my thighs touch...probably cause my thighs are huge
  
• Ahhh I have nothing cute to wear
• I would kill for long legs. Why are my legs so freaking short?
  
• I hate the FUPA (Fatter Upper Pussy Area)! Don't get a peak at that in the mirror either.
  
• My hair is starting to get into that awkward not long but not short phase - not cute
  
• These pants give me a muffin top I can't wear them
• What am I going to wear then?
• Shorts? It is freaking raining outside... ahh why do my pants always wear at the thighs.
• When will my new pants I ordered online come in the mail?
  
• I am already late.... I can't believe I am late because I am pissed about what I am wearing
• I am so stupid.
• Why can't I get control?
  
• Why would anyone love me? Especially my husband.
  
• I hate my life and I hate being me.
  
• I bet hot girls never hate their lives and always have cute clothes and never have their jeans wear out in the thigh.
  

Cry myself a river, right? I was listening to this inner voice the whole ride to school feeling real good about myself at the end of the 40 mintues. You can see how the spiral begins and you can watch it crash and burn in self destruction. I know it just isn't me out there because in our class tonight there were many that expressed feeling this same way. And I have been around women long enough to hear the self-hate talk and I have read lots of blogs where women make self-deprecating comments about themselves and on specific issues around physical appearance. I do not like this aspect about me or my culture. I want it to change but ask myself: How can I be an agent for change in other women when I can't even be an agent of change in myself at times? What kind of mental processing inside will help me start believing that I am worth more than the value society places on beauty? How can I get control of this negative behavior? How do I teach my kids someday that loving themselves completely is the best thing they can do for the world around them? How do I teach myself this?

Needless to say, it was a great conversation in class tonight. Do I have any other ladies out there that know this inner voice? How have you stopped yourself from spinning down the spiral of negative self talk? How do we become or remain happy in the skin we are in?

How do you balance The Third Shift?

pictures via McNeney & Scott