Future Tripping
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I was sleeping peaceful when at the 5 o'clock hour the remaining part of my cold reminded me that it just wasn't ready to say goodbye quite yet. I sprayed me some Zicam and hoped my body would fall back to sleep. Unfortunately, the monster that is anxiety slowly crept its way into my thoughts and woke my whole mind and body up with its subtle nagging. I kept trying to tell it that it was Saturday morning and needed to go away but it insisted I listen.
So here I write hoping to numb it back to sleep.
I am future tripping on many things that are beyond my control at this moment. I am so excited to be done with school but what will become of me after graduation in this economy? What if there are no jobs and I find myself in a soul-sucking job that I hate just because I have to have a job and these last 2 years of blood, sweat, and tears in graduate school were a waste of time and I end up being a complete failure? How will I pay off my loan? How will we ever feel settled enough to have a baby? I can't wait too long, ya know. When will I ever own a house to make my own? What will Scott be happy doing in a career he actually likes? You see, his company went kaput last week and so he is now counted among the unemployed that I feared so much while listening to my precious NPR. How will I ever repay my parents for keeping us safe during this time? How can I turn off these thoughts so I can get a few more hours of sleep so I can be on my A-game for 2 family counseling sessions tomorrow - no today? My heart is one big ball of anxiety.
Wishing my head had an off switch.... thanks for listening. I'm sure I'll be better in the morning. Oh wait. It is the morning. I'm sure I will be better soon and this future tripping will come to an end because deep, down inside I know everything will work out and that my life will continue to be as wonderful as it has been in my 29 years. I just forget it sometimes, so sue me**.
How do you handle the occasional future trip? Any remedies for me out there?
* Shannon, I am sorry there is no picture to this post. I have no idea how to graphically capture my anxiety. If you have any ideas please send them. (She gets on me if I don't have a picture with each post because when I taught her how to blog I told her every post had to have a picture and she hasn't let me forget it).
** I love to say "so sue me" because it reminds me of something funny that happened years ago with my best friend. I will continue to use it often because it makes me smile.
11 Comments:
Aimee,
I just had to smile and cry when reading your post. Dave and I are going through similar things with our lives. We want to buy a house, start having kids, and even though we are in our careers we want raises so we can afford to move on in life. All I can say that is that I agree with you, things will work out and life has a way of sneaking up on you with the most amazing opportunities and surprises. I've seen it the most in the last two years of my life. Good luck and just remember "Saigo made, tae shinobu" (I don't think I spelled it right, but pretty good for five years of absence since the mish)
You should have called me at 5:30 in the morning! We could have commiserated. I was up too. Couldn't shut my mind off after nursing Fin. These are crazy times.
If I could say anything I would say, that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. And so is Scott. As life moves on and challenges come upon us, I can only hope that we all could see them as opportunities to grow and evolve and become more like Divine and how he would have us be.
I know this little bit of wisdom doesn't pay the bills, but neither does anxiety. Trust me, I'm very familiar with him. Know that you are perfect and good just as you are. No point in worrying about the future or fretting over the past. Just like my yoga guru said to me today, "If we all knew just how amazing we are and just how much divine resides within us, imagine the possibilities."
And well, if that doesn't get you, just know that it will all work out in the end. Trust me. It always does. Always. Keep the faith. And hang in there.
Can't wait to see you in a few weeks!
when i read naptime nostalgia's comment "keep the faith. And hand in there. I thought of the talk "An High Priest of Good Things to Come." http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=965a6a4430c0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
A much needed read when needing an extra boost of faith, and need to see a new perspective. Oh to be able to see yourself 30 years from now -- but i know you are happy where you are now too!
Yes, you must add a picture. What were you thinking?
whoops "hang in there." not hand in there.
I'm trying to get beyond my own little bout of anxiety for the future, too. Hard work definitely pays off, so just keep plugging away. We had a lesson today in RS. I'm not totally sure what it was about. I got 3 words out of it and then had go and calm down a crying Jocelyn. From what I did get: if we're stressing then we need to take a step back and remember that we can't be/do everything all at once and do it well. So, use these concepts to sort it out: pace, sequencing, and perspective. I'd like to be able to tell you more in depth about each one...as I needed it...but I wasn't there for the meat of the lesson.
once I start future tripping, I never stop. it can eat up entire days. this guy's book, Stumbling on Happiness, really helped: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7822696446273926158
It helped me realize that regardless of what happens to me in the future, I will probably be about as happy as I am now, which is pretty happy.
sorry to hear about Scott's job, but I have a feeling things will work out perfectly for you guys
Dan
Sometimes I just lean on this quote:
"my tears don't compromise my strength, and they never have"
...and you're a great writer...you probably already know it...but just thought i'd remind.
Aim -
I totally know what you mean... when anxiety would strike me, my old method of choice was to pop a xanax but I had to give up the crutch. ;)
Love the reality of the post (oh, and I am also thankful for the Arrested Dev't updates. You are my source of info for that gig.)
I thank you for that!
I would say, "Just calm down, Aimee, everything will work out." But, that would be disingenuous because you know how much I worry, too. All I can say is, "We can worry together whenever!"
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