Helen Grace, My Grandma

I am feeling sentimental tonight so I decided to take to my blog. Two for two?! Something must be in the water.

Tonight my dear, sweet, sarcastic, witty, techy Grandma Helen Grace Cracroft White has decided to not proceed with dialysis as her kidneys are getting a flunking grade and an pneumonia has decided to make itself a home inside her body. Not doing dialysis was an obviously BIG decision and intentional on her part. She didn't want a heroic act and had always felt that when it was her time to go she wasn't going to prolong the inevitable.

What this means is that fluid will fill up her lungs and the toxins will slip her into a coma. She will be transfered out of the ICU soon and all the tubes will be disconnected except the IV and food lines.

Of course anything could happen but if we are realistic my grandma's time on earth may be coming to an end...

Hence the reason for the sentiment.

Here is the last personal email interaction I had with my grandma. I will forever cherish this email from her - especially the last two lines. For the record, my grandma Helen was on Facebook, was an active reviewer and commenter on Goodreads (check out her profile here - her comments are so much fun to read), would instant message with me late at night, and was never afraid of technology.

And you wonder where I come from?

JUNE 12, 2011 

Oh, Aimee,
I was honored and delighted at our 20th Ward 50th anniversary today; One-eyed Jack was the first bishop and all the old members came from everywhere and I spent tonight time writing to a woman in our ward who has become a dear friend and has done some nice things for and about me (I'm the fourth oldest woman in the ward and have the longest memory.)  Anyway, I finished writing and started deleting and was quitting as I needed the bathroom and it is late even for me, and I came on your e-mail and have spent the hour plus reading your blog and looking at that delightful absolutely wing dinger of a baby Cash and crying and thinking how far away from my life you all are and how lovely that has probably been for all of you, making friends I shall never know but being "The Family" with your kingpin dad and remembered mom.  I am in an overwhelmed/grieving state; I found out Thursday that the reason my best friend from age five did not answer the long memory saturated letter I sent for her birthday on April 13th was because she died on February 11th.  I am aching in pain and bawling "like a baby", as Jack-Jack says.  And this is rambling a bit but I am overwhelmed with love for you and I like Shannon's hair but I liked it fine the way it was and I guess it doesn't matter what I think anyway because I seem to feel fine about most everything---well, except Judy dying.  All but one of my friends from elementary to the "U" have died without me knowing until months after their funerals.  And I am going to bed because I still haven't made it to the bathroom (I think my bladder, being of the same age as I, gets tired (it really gets a workout) and decides if I don't go when it makes its rather dramatic suggestion, it will wait and let me have it when I stand up.  So to bed perchance to dream.  Love you and you don't need to read this except the part that says I love you --- because I do.  You are a poet, a lover, a dreamer who writes her dreams, and a wonderful mother and wife.
Love again,
Grandma

Grandma,
You are so sweet to stay up into the late hours of the morning reading my little ol' blog. I am glad you can peak in on our lives. It is a lovely creative outlet for me. I have slacked as of late but I am always happy when I look back and see that I documented all those thoughts.
Thanks for the love. I heard you loud and clear.
I love you back. I hope you hear that from way over here.

Aimee

Dear Girl,
Both hearing aides turned on high!
Love,
Grandma-At-the-Computer

Now I am the one bawling "like a baby".

As I mentioned my grandma was super active on Goodreads. I have a book shelf for books I want to read for my therapy work. I have different shelves for different categories. Grandma would love to comment on the books I tagged under the "sexuality" category. Here are some of the few hilarious comments. Please remember she is 85! She would sign her comment as "Grandma Betty" who is my maternal grandma which totally cracks me up. Of course, she wouldn't be talking of such things. (She and Betty are friends so it makes it ok.)

I am happy to say that I am not that kind of "professional" and grandma's money helped A LOT in keeping me legal. {wink} She truly loved me unconditionally.

I know that we all eventually die. That is the nature of life, right? And I think our whole lives we prepare for the fact that our grandparents are going to die before us in most cases.

It just sort of sucks when they actually do. Because selfishly we miss them around. Both physically and in my inbox or on the other side of g-chat.

I am blessed that this woman's genes are heavily laced in my DNA.

She has given me an amazing legacy to live up to. 

:: 

Give Ichi-Mae a hug for me, Grandma.

That reunion will be one I will replay when I get there.

There will indeed be more to say about her in the coming days but I will end there tonight.

:: 

There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty

Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We're captive on the carousel of time

We can't return, we can only look 

behind from where we came

And go round and 'round and 'round

In the circle game

- Joni Mitchell, The Circle Game