All That Exists.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
So you know how about 2 months ago I was feeling crazy anxious about the future and then I decided to just relax and let things happen? Well, I have had some trip-ups this week. And I have given myself permission to be okay with it.
On Tuesday night in class, I did not bring my laptop because in this particular class we sit in a circle so it is more awkward to be reading blogs and cyber slacking while facing many people. So I pulled out my calendar because my hands need to be doing something. I began looking over the month of May, seeing what has happened, calculating how I can coordinate what is coming, busy, busy, busy... so then I flip the page to June - pretty much empty after the first 2 weeks. July - empty. August - really, really empty. Eekkk! I have no idea what the eff I am going to be doing in just a few weeks.
I felt my anxiety rising and then I just took a deep breath and told myself:
All that exists is May 12th.
Aimee, all that exists is May 12th.
It settled me down and I was fine until...
Shan, my sister, wrote this post. I saw the title and thought it would be a fun idea to read outloud together with Scott since he usually has quite the role in sister-wife dinners. Nope. Not a good idea. Tears. Not just little ones either. Big ones, streaming down the face. And the short, little cry-breathing thing. You know what I'm talking about. Poor Scott. He just rubbed my back and let me feel it. (I am almost as bad as when they put me on birth control. Those initial hormones made me wacko, folks. Wack. O.)
So I've come to the conclusion that staying zen and one-mindfully in the moment, even while it may seem to yourself like you are faking it pretty good, can trick you because there is a whole river of emotion going on inside all of us that can burst at any moment.
But it's ok.
There is room to burst sometimes.
Maybe I am a little more stressed than I fool myself into believing. It just reminds me I still have a lot of work to do with that whole "being present" mumbo jumbo. So seriously starting now, all that exists is May 2009, folks.
11 Comments:
Being present is hard. I'm struggling with that myself. And positivity. But it's worth it.
You look marvelous!
Oh, these major life changing decisions are SO hard.
And sisters are the best. I REALLY miss mine, it's been seven years since I've lived close to them. Your sisters story made me cry too, but it seems like that's not a difficult thing these days.
You'll know what to do when the time is right. In the meantime I guess May's a pretty good month to hang out in. Good luck!!!
Living in the moment is extremely hard, and trying, and yes the emotions come out in the strangest place. But as I am learning as well, living in the moment is quite healthy and CAN be enjoyable if you give in to it.
Oh, and thanks for the compliment as I needed it today.
...at midnight last night i sat at my computer crying as i wrote the post.
i was thinking, maybe you'll stay here and then all the tears will be for nothing...but then realized it's not that simple because you'd still be sad to not move to Utah. That's why it's so hard. And sometimes you just need to break down.
Cute Scott who just rubbed your back and let you cry.
You are good at staying in the moment.
The decision will be made sooner or later.
I love you. no matter what.
It's kinda hard to be the Kamikawa's sex therapist if you live in Utah. Just a thought.
Sisters are awesome. Living in the moment is often the hardest place to live.
Aim! You are good at being in the moment because you are always conscious of when you are not. We love you and Scott so much and just hope, hope, hope that we get to keep you close :)
Don't let anxiety detract from your amazing accomplishments! I'm so proud to be your family!
xoxo
My favorite thing about people, including you, is when they are real. And I think that is one of your best qualities. I appreciate knowing what you're feeling and going through, it also helps me feel normal when I break down too.
Hang in there beautiful......it will all be worth it in the end!
(So they say...however, I have not quite worked out who "they" are yet and why they would know this unless they have reached the end?!?!)
love you
I love reading your blog. Makes me feel so normal cause you are so honest and real.
Just take a deep breath. Everything will work out exactly as it should. You know that though of course.
I'm secretly hoping you come to Utah though. That would be fun.
I love you and your sisters relationship. Makes me wish I had one.
Okay make me cry. Brings me back to the four whole years during medical school that I got with my sister Michelle and her 3 beautiful children in Chicago. They were my life line. I lived vicariously through their family and we made so many memories together. We were together all the time and that was THE HARDEST thing about leaving Chicago, knowing that mine and Matt's influence and part of their family was going to change, possibly forever. I miss having that really close relationship with a sibling, there is nothing else like it.
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