Open Letters: An Ode to My Last Hours/Days of Pregnancy

Dear Shoes in My Closet, 

I have day dreams of sliding my tiny feet inside your closed-toed goodness. Throwing my only fitting brown flip flops into the ocean post pregnancy.

Wishing for a quick and speedy deflation,

Sausage Feet & Toes

P.S. Same goes for you wedding ring.

• • •

Dear Stretch Marks on My Belly,

I am still going back and forth whether I would've genetically wanted a pukey 1st trimester or you.

The jury is still out when I look in the mirror.

Working on acceptance,

Tummy Flames

• • •

Dear Boppy Wedge Pillow Given to Me By Brianne,

You have been a lifesaver. I had no idea that a pregnant belly fights against gravity and does not lay sweetly on the bed but just protrudes forward. Not comfy.

Be Bop,

Side-Sleepin' Dreamer

• • •

Dear Broiler Bay in Bellevue, 

Thank you for tasting so greasy and good and reminding me of Crown Burger in Salt Lake City. We love your complete ghetto-ness. And Scott couldn't be more pleased with your abundance of fry sauce.

Your creamy black raspberry shake and solid iron-filled hamburgers made my baby happy.

You beat Red Mill in my personal opinion and have a waaaaay shorter line,

Always Love Me A Good Burger Joint

• • •

Dear Sweet Vietnamese Pedicure Artist, 

Thank you for upselling me in my fragile and vulnerable state and offering me 10 more minutes of a foot massage for $10 bucks.  How was I supposed to pass you up when I was putty in your lotioned hands?

Best $1 per minute I've ever spent on myself,

Light Blue Toes for Labor

• • •

Dear Pack of 96-Count Maxi Pads I Grudgingly Bought At Costco,

I haven't had your acquaintance since my very first period at the age of 12. Remember we hated each other and we decided to never be friends again?

Dreading the post-labor fallouts,

Tampons Forever

• • •

Dear Maternity Jeans,

Why don't they make normal non-maternity jeans with a lovely flexible waistband like yours? So much more comfortable with our changing waist size throughout the day and women would feel so much better about themselves and want to buy you and not fear putting on their jeans.

Someone jump on that shit,

Full of Million Dollar Ideas :)

• • •

Due date is tomorrow, friends! (But family genes predict an overcooked baby so maybe we won't be meeting the little one until 7-10 more days. Ugh).

Any last minute birthing advice?